Symptoms of Disordered Eating

"Fork Forest" Michael Woloschinow

The world that surrounds my disordered eating is in many ways much more private than that which surrounds my bipolar II struggles. This world is a place that I created, that I maintain, and that I appease in the way that any dependent partner in an unhealthy relationship would. While my binging may occur in this secret place, my obesity bears witness to it; it is a public sin and I bear it with shame.

As with my bipolar II diagnosis, disclosure of this struggle to those that love me always brings innocent protests. I am told that I am simply being too hard on myself, that allowing such a label will only make me feel worse, and that choosing to think positive about myself, my life, and my body will solve any issues that I have convinced myself of having.

Due to commonly experiencing others' disbelief regarding my "self-diagnosis," when I met with my current therapist (whom I will call Dr. S.), I was very direct with her regarding the direction of my treatment. "Okay," I said "I'm coming here to work on my eating disorder. I've gone to many counselors to work on this and they have gotten lost in my depression; I'm bipolar and my depression will never go away however I believe my eating disorder can." Dr. S. stated that she both understood and was confident regarding the possibilities of our working relationship. I felt pressure that day to begin our therapeutic relationship backwards and to share my worst symptoms first before establishing "adequate trust and rapport." I will do the same for you.

Binging- I sometimes have so much food in my mouth that my brain loses track of where it is and I end up biting my tongue or chewing on the sides of my cheeks until they bleed. I have eaten so fast that I have inhaled food and had to blow it out of my nostrils when it became stuck and began to burn. I've consumed food that was still frozen, that was expired, and that wasn't mine and then lied about it. I've eaten things such as an entire package of hot dogs while talking to a family member on the phone, muted the phone to throw up, and unmuted it after to finish the conversation. Everything has been my choice and every result has been due to my actions.

I systematically disclosed these symptoms to Dr. S. because I didn't know her well enough to be embarrassed and wanted to save myself from discomfort down the line. I am telling you these same things to demystify my ED, and to invite you in to a private world that functions best while secret. It is meant to be a purposeful disruption of my mind, a reason to panic, reorganize, and replace what is a very unhealthy coping pattern involving food. As always, you are welcome here.