The Present Stage of Diagnosis

"Hacia Acuario"/Remedios Varo

With any diagnosis, be it mental health related or otherwise, there exists a certain life cycle of events as organic as the disorder or disease itself that are survived in order to begin a process of restoration. Even then, the end goal is always different from the point at which we started.

This painting connects deeply to the stage that I am now experiencing. As with any surrealist art, the symbolism that I acknowledge and the interpretation that follows is as personal as my smile or the expression I make when my mind has decided that a conversation has run its course and should be ended.

Here I see my natural self sitting within the cloak of my medicated self. My natural self  presents in a more familiar form, vulnerable and desiring rest from exploring a world of obstacles. This self is at best haphazardly prepared to navigate without support; it has no shoes but wears a hat when there is no access to the light of the sky, and its physical scale does not match the height of the thorny boundaries that surround its path. While reclined, this self appears anxious as one hand grips the fabric that shapes its seat and the other is enveloped in the grip of its caretaker.

My medicated self is recognizable solely through abstract characteristics. It travels on the same path with the same direction but does so with a crown of stardust, an aggressive breastplate, and while carrying "like a staff of power, a key, perhaps, to the only way out" (Ovalle et. al, 1994). Indeed, for me this symbiosis is the only way out, the only way in, and the only way on.

So far, I have survived the revelation of my diagnosis, the rejection of it, and the denial of its impact on my life. Future posts will cover these elements as I am ready. For now, I am at the point of accepting some type of relationship with treatment, both chemical and interpersonal, and view it with both disgust and appreciation on equal terms.