Patterns of Reaction

Last week during therapy, I read my previous posts to my therapist. She smiled but didn't offer feedback which is probably just as well. I assume it had to do with my tendency to want to please people; the need for outside approval to be proud of my work. I only made this connection tonight as I was asking myself why I hadn't written anything for a time. In tandem with my commitment to this process I deactivated my facebook account to create a greater space to pull me here and to write without regard to the reactions of friends and family. Most are unaware of my disorders and those who have knowledge are only allowed shallow access.

A few years ago, I had a male therapist tell me that depression wasn't contagious and that treating myself in a manner that suggested infection was counterproductive to treatment. I disagree with the first premise of his statement and agree with the latter. Unfortunately I am unable to separate the two. Those that are closest to me, those that are emotionally invested, tend to follow distinct patterns of reaction to my disclosure of  disordered symptoms. The first would be observation, questioning, empathy. The second would replace empathy with platitudes. The third would replace platitudes with rejection. Receiving empathy brings me guilt, platitudes turn to disappointment, rejection is met with a sigh of familiar acceptance. All bind me tighter within myself. I find no comfort in transferring my pain to others as it is followed by worries about how they will process what I have shared and undue pressure to convince myself by the time of our next meeting that I am in fact better for having spoken.

Having explored these concerns, there is a strange freedom in this page for me. Those that choose to read need not continue and those that venture on are not prompted by relationship, duty, or proximity of any kind. It's a welcome feeling to be so alone yet aware of the possibility of being heard.